2020 been knocking soooo long...

Last year, I left behind a meaningful, secure, profitable life with a decades-long career in medicine for a trip in the woods.  I had flirted with music as a sideline for most of the last ten years, then decided to create a business, write songs, and record an album in 2016 -- responding to a growing fire that I considered the calling of my heart and soul. The intention to "live my dream" felt good, but the reality felt overwhelming.  Yo-yo ing back and forth between the music project and demands of raising three kids, needing to work to pay bills, and care for my then-life partner, not to mention the constant NEED of the medical system - ER shifts to fill, emergency help for the hospitalists, all those patients that desperately need help, need a "good doctor"...I was exhausted and too much in survival mode to think about 2020.  I just kept working my head off and telling my heart it would get better.  [check out the first single from the album, "Wait"]

I tried a sabbatical from medicine in 2017, after I saw how puny my musical production was in a year of trying to squeeze it into the cracks of a busy doctor-mom-wife life.  It lasted a few months, during which every other area of my life seemed to explode and demand the attention I hoped to lavish on the music.

Then in 2018, after I finally organized the business, polished the website, the merchandise, had a L.A.  Grammy-award-winning producer waiting for the final edits of the last of 5 demos to mix and master my first EP...life at home went from plausible-deniability abuse to outright violence.  I had to leave.  In a hurry.  With my children, no place to go, no car, and a vengeful ex who began stalking me.

As I rushed to pack our belongings, tearing down my studio, putting microphones on top of rolls of cords, stacks of music and files into brown paper bags, I fell into such a surreal place -- all I had worked to build, when would I get back to the music? How would I...? Would I?

Summer of 2018 I found a home, bought a used car, navigated the land mines of my ex's hatred (in large part because I had not only succeeded in leaving him, but had managed to leverage money from a joint account - the only asset he had not stripped - to buy the house with cash), and set to work creating a stable, safe life for our family.  I gratefully went back to the ER, working as much as I could to pay bills, buy furniture, silverware, a vacuum cleaner, you get it.  Start. Life. Over.

And, try to work through the cognitive dissonance that allowed me to stay in a toxic relationship for far too long.  Try to look honestly at the wreckage of the life behind me, reckon with who I was as a forty-something single mother with a heart so broken the only thing left was what mattered: my kids, my "family" of loving friends, and my music.  [listen to "Modern Family"]

But the music had to wait:  so much to do to get ready for the school year, still trying to get a home settled, and my piano?  Held hostage by my ex, at my old house.  I just wanted to get clear of the violence we endured for so long, and feel safe - be safe - even if it meant taking one risky, scary step at a time...I knew eventually we would be free. But 2020? Starting to dream of the possibilities of new life in 2020.  Surely by then, I would have solid ground under my feet again, ground that was real this time.

So the summer ended with a flurry of school prep, ER work, and finally, unpacking my equipment in my basement "studio" area.  When the solo gigs I had scheduled early 2018,  thinking I would be touring later in the year to support the new EP, started coming closer, I freaked.  No piano, no time to practice, months without vocal work, I was not ready.

So I did the same thing that saved me every time life boxed me in before, I turned it over to Spirit.  "If you want me to do these gigs, I trust you're gonna help me be ready.  OR let me know to cancel, because I am scared out of my microphone".  [we all need someone to help in the low times...check out "Turn Me Around"]

Magic happened, and before I could blink, I had a series of solo gigs behind me, each one preparing me more for the next, and building my confidence in the path through the woods that I only had glimpses of - I just closed my eyes, thanked my heart, and kept walking.

2018 ended, and 2019 saw an end to the legal battles (after a ridiculous amount of money, including all of my remaining savings to my ex in a settlement - in this case, money can buy happiness) and start of a new life in music:  gigs, travel, songwriting, connecting with producers and managers...and still no album.  Should I scrap the EP and go for the whole project? Or release a single from the new material? As I worked back into the music, one thing became clear.  I could not give the energy to any project, and stay in medicine. Pulled thin by single-momming, and ready to give up the part of me that didn't fit anymore, I left the ER.  Late in the year, knowing it was the right decision, but not with any fanfare, as I initially thought "if I can't make a living in music in one year, I will go back to being a responsible adult, and work in medicine to pay the bills..." So when folks asked, "are you still at the hospital?" I would safely say, "Of course, part-time"....

And 2020, knocking on my door, asked for decisions.  Clarity.  Accurate sight.  What life do you want? I faced the truth that I was not as far along as I had hoped, the recording and production of my music still on the back burner. What if my year of recovery, and career change was an abysmal failure? What if I needed plan B to fall back on? How could I possibly survive on income from music alone?

New Years' Eve came, and went, and now I am here.  In 2020.  And the sky did not open, with trumpets blaring, washing me with iridescent rain making me a new being of light and love, with a clearly mapped out strategy for music success. [Insert expletive here]

After all the wandering, the peaks and valleys, the barbed wire fences, and angels under my feet, I am here.  In 2020.  With global warming (or not?), Trump (or not?), and poverty, starvation, war...seems ridiculous to be so hung up on a little music.  Or not?

I don't know about you, but the clarity that I expected 2020 to bring is a lot more veiled than I thought it would be.  But it is here.  I just realized that instead of requiring my grand vision, strategy, and intention, 2020 was knocking for only one reason.  For me to open the door and walk through.