Babies take more solid steps than this...

Years ago, laying in bed in the upstairs family room of my "fairytale castle", I first heard the voice in my head.  For those of you in medicine, this is not usually something welcome.  For others accustomed to prayer or meditation, trusting that inner knowing voice is a more developed muscle.  For me, it started an argument.  "No I'm not going to write songs for an album.  Are you kidding?"  Worse yet, the Knowing spoke the album title:  "Blanket of Melancholy".... "HELL, no!  If I'm writing music, it's gonna be uplifting, positive, Jason Mraz stuff! Not SAD songs!" I fought it for about 6 months, all the while songs pouring out of me, lyrics, melodies, chords.

At the time, I referenced my first marriage, and difficult childhood, as the sources of angst.  With the exception of complete blow-ups once or twice a year, I was too busy smoothing the edges of my Hallmark card "marriage" to acknowledge that I was writing about my life, there and then.

In retrospect, I found it humorous that the master bedroom of the "castle" flooded on Valentine's Day that year, with such force the entire downstairs required demolition and renovation.  Sleeping each night in the room where I had placed my desk and computer alongside my piano, to start my "music business", both interrupted the music and opened some sort of gate.

When the house was "put back in order", and I had the space to myself again, it was clear that I was being given a gift, with the music for an album.  And the bigger picture of why made more sense.  By that time I had started listening more to the background of myself, and experiencing emotional depth, despite how uncomfortable and raw it got.  I honored the process, and surrendered to what felt like a force much larger than what I knew myself to be. Maybe the message was that we all are ok, and all the emotions we feel are valid, and being fully human means owning all that you are.  Happiness 24/7  leaves a lot on the table, and requires energy to maintain a sheltered heart.  Maybe by sharing the music, and sharing the emotions we all feel, I could share a connection with the deeper rhythm of life.

But I was still a novice songwriter, and not a great vocalist.  I was working on learning jazz piano, but struggling after years of classical training to let go of old rules and structure.  I had glimpses of beauty in the music, for sure -- a lyric would make me cry, a progression of chords for a song would give me goosebumps.  I knew I was going in the right direction, but I had no idea where I was going or how to craft a map to get there.

I threw myself into jazz piano lessons, online jazz study courses, songwriting workshops, collaborations with musicians for performance and songwriting.  Cringe -- cringe -- cringe...sooo many truly BAD results.  Terrible songs, horrible singing, worthless piano playing.  Brutal self-doubt and reality-based fear.

And now although I am far from the jazz supernova I long to be, I have continued to take one tiny step at a time in the direction that seems right, that feels right, to become a musician I am satisfied with.  The responses I get to my music surprise me, and always come with a deep connection.  When I fall into a transcendent performance, I feel like I am fully alive, expressing everything meaningful I could say, with the music.  And between those times, I just keep taking one tiny step - not even substantial enough to be called a baby step - towards something I can't even see.

I had goals. By 2020, I wanted to have all those songs demo'd, and be working with a producer to record the album.  I thought when the album was done, I could start writing about the music, sharing on my website, maybe a blog.  After all, I have to have something truly substantial to share, right?

After the reckoning of 2020, I see that what I can share is the journey.  The tiny steps.  This blog is one of them.  What I can share is all that I am, wobbly and uncertain, and picking myself up again and again, moving towards something that is not even clear enough to be a fantasy.  I want to share the music as it comes to life...one tiny step at a time.