Follow the Bee Gees

Here We Are...

As the iconic Bee Gees say in the first line of “Nights on Broadway”, here we are.

HERE WE ARE.

And if you are like me, you’re asking:

“NOW what?!”

No more “going back”, whatever that going back means to you….

Toto is stuck, no matter how sparkly the ruby-red slippers you found at TJ Maxx are, or how viciously you click the heels….

A beautiful friend reminded me today of The Serenity Prayer…after I came to a place of acceptance with the reality smacking me in the face.

Punching me in the nose, really.

Blood gushing, head spinning, clutching for the walls to find ANYTHING to hold as I fall….

The ground is always there.

And there is truth that can only be seen from that place, with no other eyes in the room to bend the light or light up the dark.

The discontent, despair, malaise all such heavy logs crushing the breath into stale paralysis.

Thoughts race through labyrinths to dead ends and future dreams narrow to dark - how to live?

How to be?

I mean, as me. The wacky musician, the mom wanting my kids to learn themselves, the heart-on-my-sleeve lover, the true friend. The imaginary, idealist, feeler of all feelings and experiencer of life.

With life handing me limitations - hard stops - how to live?

In that space of no time - stuck with me - the difference now is that I’ve mined the depths of me to know me.

I love me. Adore me, really. In all my quirky human going-ons, I just love me.

So this time, there was no “what am I doing wrong?” or “how can I be better?”.

Actually the gift of hitting the ground of 3D this time was the absolute knowing that I’m ok…and yet there’s not a damn thing I can do about the shitshow circumstances of my movie right now.

Huh.

I shared me. With my lover. Like, “hey, lover…I’m on the ground. I love me, and I think this life right now isn’t working out at all the way I wanted, and there’s not much I can do about it, so I’m not asking for a solution…”

That’s when the fire started. The slow warmth of his voice - words steady, tone even…hearing him take a deep centering breath in and exhale slowly…and again….

The acknowledging life. Pain. Intense unsolvable problems. AND, time…future…passing and changing and morphing that will happen no matter how stuck I feel.

Words translating ideas symbolic of breath, breathing….

My lover then moved his hands from the cupped place around the spark he had lit, and breathed gently into the heat, dancing the flames of his alchemy higher…and spoke the most beautiful words I have ever heard.

This man who is truth and beauty, sees me as me and the world as it is, witnessed the miracle of our union - the depth and respect of our communion as souls - arising from the wreckage of hurt people hurting people.

Those massive wooden death-feelings hot and starting to alight, transforming into such rich knowing….

Here we are. We. The friends who have given their loving listening, wide-angle advice, and mirror words reminding me who I am. The family, old and new, who like the trunk and roots of an oak tree, hold the ground firm beneath my feet. The three imps that call me mom, who demand with each firm step on their own beautiful path that they are more and more ok each moment.

When the crazy hit off-the-charts in April, I decided to double down on me. What I valued, what I stood for - truth, connection, celebrating us all, love.

I loved more. Loved my daughter, loved her pain, loved her joy, her creative expressions, her freedom to explore the way she wanted to be in this world.

When in May I realized what-had-come-before was only a preview to unspeakable ridiculous crazy, and the ship was now heading without rescue into The Perfect Storm, well I won’t tell you. Words can’t explain. [see Surrender - eventually I’ll link the tune ;) ]

From the center of that whirlwind, I was far from this place. Far from most of what I consider my life. Only recently have I sought refuge below deck to recharge and renew.

So it was that last weekend, in meditation, I had this message: “it’s all love. ALL love. Anger, frustration, jealousy, joy, fear, surprise…ALL love. There is nothing but love.” Like, I had still been compartmentalizing the emos and experiences into “love” and “not love”. Binary again. Even if subtle, motivating me to “fix” the “not love”.

Like, if I feel fear, well that’s not love so how to see it differently? yada yada…emos are messages…blah blah….

But for real, the download was epic, and mentally getting the message that “it’s all love” shifted some things. I guess I got it, sort of. A part of me still questioned, “how?”.

I walked through my days with this idea, not really clicking yet, trying it out for size until last night.

When the fires of my lover’s wisdom lit up the world, I knew. I felt it. All the anguish, the terror, the indecision, the hopelessness…were love. Inseparable from the ineffable knowing of the unity of soul my lover and I have been gifted.

How to describe, to make sense, of something that I can only sense - as knowing? As a truth beyond my heart or mind or guts? Bigger than “everything”?

Maybe that is why I came here tonight, to try to share this miracle of life, and savor the sweetness for now.

Tomorrow I may again be doused with dilemmas, and somehow…it seems like this time the fire will still burn.

WE aren’t going anywhere, really.