Almost let this one go…
Since I’ve completely rearranged my existence this last year, and especially last 2 months, there is no “groove” for my groove yet.
I’m ok w flow, and find deep satisfaction in taking small steps and watching the creativity of my life unfold, like a technicolor pop-up book on steroids.
One commitment I made was to “show up” to my studio desk every day - I call it “the cockpit” for no reason other than it cracks me up.
And the digital audio workstation - DAW - is the pixelated world where I can capture the music to share with you. Promised to open the DAW daily too….
But life - whatever tf that is - demands in a clunky way that I dive into non-music, and mostly I’ve been able to ninja the writing, playing, production et al and keep the scales balanced. (Get it? I said “scales”…)
Last few days, not so much.
Couldn’t sleep “tonight” with the blog bug buzzing in my head, so here’s a short ramble I’ll follow up on more in days to come.
Where I’ve been, away from my cockpit, is living connection.
I called a bestie last week to find she had a horrible loss - devastating - and yet could not stop apologizing to me. She told me the story of how her friends, fairly new-ish after her COVID-inspired move to a small area, showed up.
I mean, banging on windows not-taking-no-for-an-answer let us in to BE with you showed up.
It cracked her open - their love in her time of need.
Her “I’m so sorry” to me was that she wished she had done the same for me during the worst of my nightmare last fall.
And that cracked me open.
Their space gave her space gave me space.
So I spent the last 5 days able to give even more space to my beloveds…and the magic was so real.
No joke, decades long broken relationships healed, beautiful struggling people shifted gears back into flow, and super special people were connected with me again real-time.
My bestie and I promised to ask next time we are in troubled times. Say the simple words “I need you”, and give each other the chance to BE together.
That night I posted a simple question on twitter, “How likely are you to say ‘I need you’?”
One answer: “0%”.
This was after reading another post about “need”, and the replies all in the camp of “I’m good on my own”.
But that’s not real. Is it?
EVERYTHING is connected, from the air we exchange with plants to the emails with our ex-es.
We need more humans to go about our daily routine than we can fathom. (We does not include the mythological guru on the mountaintop). But for all humans, we can’t survive at birth without support for years.
Maybe that is when the seeds of unhealthy self-sufficiency are planted - those times when for whatever reason, our real child needs were not met. Craving for physical affection, emotional validation, healthy mental engagement.
Maybe our 6 month old response to Dr. Spock’s recommended “let them cry it out” parenting was to decide in our little brains “Oh, I guess I’m on my own for this one, whatever that means”. And without the aid of language to put words with our feelings and experiences, those programs spin away in the deep sub-basement of our beings, running the show for the most part out of our awareness.
So my great friend and I, who have shared untold tragedies and years of “best” friendship, are just now feeling the capacity to show up for each other, and the sadness left by the missed opportunities to meet each other’s needs before now.
Show up like hop on a plane and BE there. Instead of the long phone calls.
Show up as in “yes, I see you have deadlocked your door, so if break a window is what it’s gotta be, break a window it is”.
When we shared our hearts in a more vulnerable way than ever before, we realized the the truth: we need each other.
And I don’t want to live in a world where I’m not needed. Or live without true friends I can call in my times of need.
Do you?