Years ago, I came across a textbook diagram of the course one human life follows in growth and development: spiraling constantly “up”, but through pendulum swings of integration and disintegration.
Although I don’t doubt that I saw the same visual in a slew of new agey manuscripts, the first reading was in a parenting book series called “Your (Fill In The Blank)-Year Old” by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg.
Super awesome research, btw, describing what most kids are doing at each age, with a spectrum of expected behaviors, and predictable developmental milestones. These books helped reassure me, when my now 21 year old was 5, his vivid dinner table description of the “blood fountain” resulting from slicing Captain Hook’s head off was… “age appropriate”.
With the above dynamic as a frame of reference, it was much easier to parent with patience when my kids “disintegrated”. I saw them in those wild and awkward times as in the goo of caterpillar, not yet to the next butterfly stage.
Not to leave myself out of the endless human race, I gradually came to see my apparent looping back over familiar territory in this same circular staircase progression. At times, though, it seemed like the next level was mere millimeters from the last.
And accepting the wobble of stability then chaos didn’t make the “disintegration” times seem less devastating. Maybe more purposeful, with the knowledge that after the storms, a new calm would hold more living. Also, I became less attached to outcomes, since I could not imagine the “stability” coming when I let go of the good for the better.
If you have been on the planet long enough, you might remember “The Price Is Right” - a TV show (man, that sounds dusty) where contestants could choose the lavish spread of prizes in front of them, or the mystery waiting behind door 2…[sometimes a big “wonh -wonh”].
Maybe this leaning into the “disintegration” end of the orbit is what has made my path a road less traveled. Instead of forks leading farther away from the middle road, though, it feels like now huge looping rings have given me a wider breadth of human experience than I ever dreamed as a kid.
Yet, when the track heads into each turning point, the similarity in the templates of my experience is unavoidable. Maybe you have also experienced the felt deja vu - for me in the past accompanied by exasperation - “here again! Ugh!” or defeat - “will I never learn?”
In examining the newer nuances, instead of focusing on the repeated themes, I have discovered the evidence of “growth”, and found it easier to step on that platform to keep going, instead of getting stuck in the “I’m stuck again” mode.
As a parent, the movement of my kids planets with mine make a dizzying permutation of possible “chaos” - and trusting that we are all moving with the music of the spheres makes the journey lighter for us all.
As the space between us grows, there is room for their light to fill the void, and me to see my light less entangled.
Easier to see past the settling dust from Monster-fires, and appreciate the seemingly behind-the-scenes-controlled chaos.
Which makes it more likely I’ll remember to grab the popcorn and enjoy the show for what it is, when I see Godzilla crash into center stage.
As my beautiful captivating bestie said last night, recounting the details of her current B-movie horror show, “you can’t make this shit up…you can’t make this shit up”.
With her, my kids, my loverman, my community of shinystars, and you, we can buckle up, be where we are, and maybe - at least a little more often - enjoy the ride.
thumbnail photo credit: bestreviews.com
