AUDIO: 10/14 late night at the piano, testing the mix readying new recording project…voice a little worn from the hours of grieving what we have lost, and mixture of feels since I will get to see my daughter tomorrow for the first time in 24 days.
So I was this many years old when I got this song…I mean really got it.
For me, music is about this palpable essence - a totality of message that some part of me doesn’t receive, but shares…communes with, really.
All songs that hit me have that effect, and the ones that don’t, I can see cool aspects but it’s like a technical “well done” without the gut punch of “ok - you got me”.
So this song has sat on the edge of the black hole of my musical soul for years, teetering at a standstill place of “super cool…what does it really mean though?”
After my daughter was placed in a situation I knew she was terrified to be in, unprotected by the authorities she believed would guard her little body, I was faced with “momotions” to sort.
What was realistic fear? extra-precautious momma worry? worst-case dread? And why was she set adrift by the folks that were “supposed” to give her safety? So frustrated and angry…. How could I be so helpless, powerless? Grief, despair, apathy.
Pride that she had taken a stand to voice her distress and confront the one hurting her, tell the guys in charge, seek help…and disbelief that she was denied - invalidated again and sent back to the one place she feared most.
What did it all mean? I mean, on the grand scheme of life, I could envision a billion much worse scenarios…yet her circumstances were devastating, I knew to her, even if the ones choosing “in her best interests” thought she was “safe”.
She never said she was safe.
This song came to mind, and I heard the rumblings of the music, felt the rhythm in my guts. Played around with the sound on the piano, and tried out the chord progression. Looked up the lyrics.
Holy soul punch.
And so, for days, through the brutal waiting for her evaluation by doctors, telling of her story, and finally placement in “safety” this song tells me what I am to do.
Know that what I have, what I can give, who I am in this world - is me.
That’s all.
What my beautiful daughter, rocky path from birth uphill and slope increasing for so long…what she has, is what she makes herself and her life to be.
What my fierce, brave, astoundingly creative youngest child has brought to her life, from the depths of a wiser than years soul, is her own.
And “mama may have”…
“Papa may have”….
But now I get it, like it or not, “God Bless the Child” who’s got his own.
God Bless the Child